Category Archives: diabetes and divorce

Another Corner Turned

The weekly bg reading review that I had dictated in September has long gone by the wayside. I occasionally ask about readings on the phone or over text conversations but I try to keep it to a minimal.  If my son gets into real trouble, he calls or texts me with his SOS.  Diabetes care is remaining in the periphery of our relationship as he strives to make it on his own. We still talk about care and I still like to know what is going on but I think I truly have turned a corner in my new role and acceptance of it.

A couple of weeks ago, I suggested that we have a phone conversation about his readings in the coming days.  My son told me that he had an upcoming appointment with his CDE.  I then suggested that we wait until after the appointment and then we could discuss what was or wasn’t done and see how we felt about it.

My son thought that was a great idea and we set our new date to chat.  Last week that day arrived.  I knew that my son’s readings had been uploaded by his educator (my son has managed to lose two cables for his pump and I feel bad contacting our rep for a third one). I went online to see what the readings looked like.

As I opened the screen I laughed and laughed.  There were a lot of boluses and insulin cartridge fills but I only saw two readings. I laughed some more! For a change, it was not me who got to look at no data and try to sort things out. It wasn’t me to go…”What gives?” only to be told that he had used other meters but didn’t have them with him. This was not my problem.  I laughed some more
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It felt good to have that burden lifted. Whether there were or were not readings, I was not the one who would bang their head in frustration and begin the tedious task of trying to track down information. The smile remained on my face.

Later that evening I called my son and we discussed his appointment.  It had gone well. He had readings on a different meter and the two of them had discussed the area my son knew was a problem.  My son was pleased that he wasn’t told what to do but asked his opinion on the problem.  Suggestions were made by both parties and my son left happy.

Mom wasn’t needed.  For a change, that felt okay.  My son was happy. He had made his own decisions. He had been able to talk to someone about his care and share his knowledge. It was a win-win situation as far as I could tell.

I will still call and talk readings. I will still be here to troubleshoot and to cheer from the sidelines but my son really is taking charge. He can do this. I always knew he could but the fact that he is doing it makes me feel a bit better…well for today anyway.
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Another Day, Another Feather Left Behind

The tree is down.  The Christmas decorations are put away for another year.  The house is a little bit more quiet now without the steady banter of two young men and the constant opening of the fridge.  My children were home for a week and it still surprises me how much I miss them when they are gone.
 
In one week I crammed in as much mom stuff as I could.  There was providing them with food that they love, doing their laundry and sitting around enjoying conversations.  We watched the latest Hobbit movie together and all huddled around watching to see our cousin’s name in the credits.
 
There was the other stuff that moms take care of too like a stop at the bank to fix issues on both children’s bank accounts.  There was a call to a meter company to replace the iBGstar that my son refuses to part with even though the display was not working properly. There was also the purchase of the small things needed to make life run just a little smoother that only Mom would think of.
 
It was a busy week.  We quickly fell into the routine of Mom doing more testing and helping with carb counts.  I later wondered if I should have offered to do everything for one day to give my son a complete break. I realized quickly that the idea would not possibly work given his current eating habits. He eats 24/7. I would not be able to keep up. It was much easier to offer carb counts and test while he slept in.
 
Despite delays caused by Mother Nature, my boys have returned to their other home.  They are slowly getting back into their routine and I am slowly returning to mine.  I still smile however when I see those loose “feathers” in the strangest places.  There is a test strip on the floor in my office where they spent hours catching up on the latest season of Sons of Anarchy.  There is a piece of an infusion set sitting on a table in the living room. How it managed to end up there is beyond me but there is sits waiting to be used…or find a garbage can.
 
My new role in my son’s life still leaves me feeling off balance and unsure at times. I continue worry and sometimes feel guilty because I no longer have to think about diabetes 24/7.  That is how life goes.  We teach our children and then one day have to step back and pray that they have absorbed some of what we have given them…and remember that we are their for them when the stumble or just need a shoulder to lean on. 
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Back in the Saddle

Diabetes moved away September first of last year.  Sadly this also means that my son did as well. It has been a struggle for me. I have had to adjust to a new role and honestly, I am not always sure what exactly that role is.  I am a hands on Mom and being a mom from a distance has always been a challenge but with a soon to be 20-year-old living in another province, I am slowly learning.
 
With the Christmas holidays, I got to be a hands on mom again! It was wonderful to have both of my boys with me. There was baking to eat, meals to prepare and even the odd bit of chauffeuring to be done. It was great.
 
There was also reminding about bg checks, counting carbs and doing site changes.  Diabetes was back as well. I was worried that I wouldn’t wake up for night-time tests but I did with no problem.  I would easily wake numerous times during the night and get up and check on my youngest son. I knew that he most likely was not testing a lot during the nights on his own so I decided to help him out. I woke every 2-4 hours and tested to give us some great data to look at.
 
Since my son was here, there was no need for a Wednesday night phone call or waiting for him to upload data.  I have a cable here, as well as his pump and meter.  We could sit down together and discuss the many highs because of the constant eating.  We could talk about basal versus bolus and see what may or may not need tweaking.
 
With each night test and each dead test strip, I felt grateful.  It seemed weird to walk into his room and test, knowing how many nights I hated doing just that.  This time it was a privilege. I was helping my son. I was giving him a break and keeping him safe while he was under my roof. I wondered if his wife will one day help him this way? I have no idea. He told me that he has a girlfriend now. I wonder what she knows about his care? Knowing how private my son is, I am guessing that she knows next to nothing. That’s okay for now.  When she is important to his life and worthy of his deeper affection, she will learn.
 
Until then, I will test him at night when he is with me. I will be surprised how quickly we both fall back into old routines. I will remain amazed how quickly time flies and how much my children have matured. I will be grateful for the ability and the opportunity to help my son if only in small ways now. IMG_0164

But I’m Not Ready

I began writing this blog to share with other people living with diabetes. I wanted people to know that they were not alone in what they were going through,  This has meant that I have shared feelings as they happened–both positive and negative, real and raw.   Today is no different.
 
I have been going through terrible Momma anxiety and guilt about my son choosing to move back with his father.  I know in my head why he made the move that he did. My head knows that it was not personal.  My head knows that this decision actually had very little to do with me and had everything to do with being 16 and wanting to stretch his wings.  My sister kindly explained things to me and helped me to understand the thought process of a teen in this position. My heart still feels bruised. It still wants to take everything personally but it’s not all about me.
 
“It’s not all about me” is a really difficult concept to grasp for a control freak like me.  I like to think that I am a lot less of a control freak than I once was….and the scary thing is that its true! Life has made me learn to let go a lot more than I once did but I am still far from perfect (but don’t tell anyone). I still would like more things to go my way on my schedule. Since my son felt that life should be on his schedule and his schedule said it was time to leave Mom, my compromise when it came to his diabetes care was that we talk each week about his readings, trends, and problems. This was fine and has worked well for the most part.
 
We have bumps.  I can get frustrated by what I see (or don’t see). I do my best to keep my words constructive.  Occasionally I fail.  Last week my son headed off to his first diabetes clinic without Mom in attendance.  Mom, being a bit of a control freak still, had contacted the clinic, reminded said son of the appointment, and forwarded his current basal pattern and carb to insulin ratios to the nurse.  On Monday the nurse educator contacted me with my son’s A1c, noted the changes she had made and let me know where she intended to take things from there.
 
Remember that I am a control freak.  Remember that I spent years going to that clinic and my level of diabetes knowledge was equal to or better than their’s in some cases.  When we attended, they asked me what was new in care techniques.  I was the person who brought in information on Lantus, the use of glucagon during illness as well as the latest in pump technology.  Each time I have gone into any of our clinics (the one he is now attending and the last one that he attended with me), the team was always interested to hear from me what was new in the realm of treatment.  I guess that means I have a huge ego to go with my controlling personality and that can’t be good.
 
Back to the new nurse (whom I have never met), she felt that my son would benefit from more work with a CDE and set up another appointment with an educator closer to his home.  He is off to see this person today.  The gamut of emotions I am experiencing is crazy.
 
The rational me says “its good that he is exposed to new ideas and new people.  Sometimes someone else saying the same thing that you have said can allow things to finally click.  He has a good knowledge of his care.  He will not easily be confused by someone else’s suggestions. This is a good thing.”
 
The emotional, still wounded momma in me says, “Whoa here!! We are doing okay thank you! I am very capable of teaching my son.  We may be apart in distance but I am still as involved as I can be.  I have managed to maintain excellent A1c’s in this child for 13+ years,  Even on his own, this A1c would be coveted by a lot of parents who have teens with diabetes. Why are you pushing me out of this?”
 
That’s what it boils down to isn’t it? A momma bear who has been so ferociously protective of her children for so many years feeling pushed away on all sides.  Is it really happening? No.  The nurse from my son’s clinic has kept me in the loop of what is happening and the changes that she made.  My son has kept me in the loop calling me and telling me what they talked about.  No one is pushing me out.  They are working to do the very best for my son.  They are exposing my son to new ideas.
 
Yes, he has already been exposed to some of the best minds in diabetes care in the world.  He knows that.  He has to be able to learn to say, “I know that already” or “thanks but this works for me because…” He is learning to speak for himself.  That is the goal for a parent–to raise strong, independent children. I told my boys to never be sheep.  Do what you feel is right. Never blindly follow.  My son knows that this also applies to his health care.  He also knows that everyone needs help now and again and that with knowledge comes power.
 
He is growing. He is learning. My role is changing and it is changing quickly.  That is painful.  That is my problem.  I have to adjust.  I have to remember that it’s not about me. It’s not personal. Its life. Its change.  It’s what happens when our children grow up.
 
For those of you who are also dealing with these issues…you are not alone. For those who have gone before me, thank you for reminding me that this too shall pass. Change is important in all of our lives. It can be terribly difficult but change is what makes the world go around.
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Its Little Things…

I made my first trip to Costco as an empty nester the other week. It was a bizzare experience when you factor in so many years of living with diabetes and children.

There were the normal things..the boxes of cereal that I don’t need because my boys are not here to eat it.  There was the flavored water that my youngest loved to drink that I don’t have to worry about buying until he comes to visit.  There were also the meats that were packaged into portions for two adults to eat rather than two adults and a ravenous teen or two.

Next came the diabetes things…buying items and not worrying what the carb count was.  Putting items away and not worrying about saving the nutritional information to be referred to later.

I can’t say that it felt good. It felt..well a little empty.  I have been shopping and cooking for a child for the past 20 years. I still chat with them each day.  We still FaceTime or Skype and call but not physically seeing them each day?  Not feeding them each day? Well its strange. I know my wallet will appreciate it but its a lot harder for the heart to get used to.

They will visit and old habits will quickly return. I will, and do stalk up on all of their favorite baked and bought goods for their arrival.  This is just another phase of life. It just takes a bit to get used to as well.

I still wake at night. I almost long to get up and test…almost.  Life changes. Children grow. Normally we have time to prepare.  Sometimes we don’t.  Either way we go on with our new roles and make the very best of them. I continue to be there for both of my children. I continue to teach my youngest son as much as I can about diabetes and provide him with as many supports as I can. Its strange how the little things impact you.
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