I was talking to my mother the other day about my youngest son’s lapses in memory concerning his diabetes care. She told me that I was just worried because he will soon be an adult and I will lose all control. He will be on his own.
I laughed at her. I am not worried, I am downright terrified! I am not sure if the terror is magnified because my oldest son is now days away from being 18 and is currently planning his future with little input from Mom. Knowing that the first child has reached this stage means that the second one is only a few years behind in doing the same thing but the second child has a bit more baggage to consider.
I know in my head how much my youngest son has learned over the past few years. I see some small changes. I know that he will learn at his own pace and he will surprise me when need be. I also know that he will be a young man one day. He will drink. He will most likely do his best to ignore his diabetes. He has already stated that he would rather go back on injections than have to continue to visit a doctor on a regular basis to have prescriptions refilled. (I told him that he still had to go back once a year either way. He was not happy.)
He will most likely move to an area where I am not two minutes away. He sleeps through his lows. He answers his phone only when he feels like it. He has no interest in a CGM and I am not sure if I will be able to convince him of its benefits before he goes off on his own.
Its not just about control…being able to tell him to test or to bolus. Its also about complications. Its about not waking from a low. Its about not telling people around you about your diabetes and getting into trouble with no one to know the difference. Its the fact that he doesn’t wear his Medic Alert bracelet or necklace unless I tie it to him. The list goes on and my terror grows.
I can’t dwell on any of it. It is still a number of years away. I can only hope for the best. I must prepare myself to accept a happy medium and teach, teach, teach without coming across as preach, preach, preach. Let’s hope that there is enough wine and hair dye in the world to get me through! Why do I want a cure? To save myself from myself and this list of fears!
“Shooting at the walls of sanity
I am the worrier!”
I know, I have completely ruined a good song but the melody kept playing in my head after I wrote the first draft of this post so now you can have it play through your head as well!
I worry. I case you have missed that from other posts, its a fact. I can worry about anything and anyone. I am “the worrier”! It takes nothing to set me off. My mind is incredibly creative and I really wish I could harness its abilities in ways that would add increased revenues to my life. Unfortunately, my creative mind is used to fuel my worrying nature.
I worry about my son in school, which leads me to worry about children with diabetes in schools who have parents who can’t vocalize their children’s needs. I worried about how I would pay for the medical devices that my son needs which led me to the DTC and then to insulin pump funding. Worrying has some uses but it also can mess with my nerves and my life in general.
Case in point–yesterday was a dull, dreary and rainy day. 3:30pm came and went. My son was not home from school. 3:45pm came and went but still no child. There is a lot of construction occurring between our house and the school that my son goes to. They must have been caught in some of that mayhem. Maybe they were stuck behind an accident that had happened along their route. I could feel worry creeping up on me, but I tried to be reasonable.
By 4pm the reasonable part of my nature was quickly giving way to worry. I could see them no longer being stuck in traffic because of a car crash but now my son’s bus was in the crash. I tred his cell phone. There was no response. My son is great at ignoring his phone, turning it off, and basically making me wonder why I spend the money on this communication tool when it is not used.
Next I pictured him injured. The cell phone would have been beside him vibrating but he could not get to it. Would an EMT know that he has diabetes? He had his pump but would they know what it was? It is attached to him. What if the pump had been smashed? If he was in an accident, the pump could be damaged. It could be ripped from his body. Why haven’t I put a medical tag back on his necklace? Why didn’t I replace that MedicAlert bracelet? I know, he loses them and they have changed their fees but what if he is laying there and no one knows that he needs insulin?
At that point my phone rings. “Mom, did you forget that I had hockey?”
Hockey was the day before and it didn’t happen because of Sports Day.
“No, Mom I told you that it was rescheduled for today. I sent you a text. My phone died right after that though and I couldn’t use it to call you.”
I told him I would be there in 20 minutes. My mind quickly settles. I vow that I will get him a new medial charm. I will look into updating our Medic Alert file and getting him a new necklace for the summer. As for the phone? Well he said it needed to be charged. I may have to look at the waranty on his “new” phone…yes the one that I did not get an extended waranty for last fall. Oh the joys of parenthood…and being “The Worrier”!