I am dead tired…and feeling guilty

I am worn out, dragged out, dead tired…after just two nights.

I am out of practice.

I want a CGM.

I want a cure.

I feel guilty. I can’t wait to get my sleep back again.

My son came to visit for a few days.  It was the best Easter gift…having both of my boys here with my for Easter dinner! I was over the moon.

Diabetes had to tag along for the ride.  It could have stayed behind.  It played better than it has on some visits however.

I was pleasantly surprised when I got up to test my youngest son on the first night.  He was a perfect 5 (90).  I didn’t sleep. He was perfect. Exactly in range.  What was next? Would he rise? Would he go low? I didn’t sleep. I rested now and then. I checked.  He dropped a bit. Not enough to worry about. I tried to sleep. I worried.

The next night we had the opposite problem.  His cartridge had run low.  His blood glucose went up.  It didn’t go up as high as it had on previous visits.  He is even more fixated on his health and improving his control on his own.  He corrected. He had command of this.

Once again I awoke during the night. I went to his room and tested.  He was high still. He corrected.  I went back to bed.  I wondered if he would drop. I wondered if he would go higher.  I worried. I tried to sleep but I worried.

Tonight he will be in charge of his own care again.He will be the one to wake.  I will wake up just like I have for too many years.  I will wonder what his readings are but I will be able to  roll over and go back to sleep. I won’t be kept awake with a low. I won’t wonder which direction a high will take even with a correction. I will simply roll over and try to sleep…but I will feel guilty because I can just roll over.

I put in my time. I had 16 plus years of sleepless nights between babies and diabetes.  My son has had 16 years of diabetes too.He doesn’t get an end.  As I said, he has become very conscious of his health and his body.  He told me that he already has one faulty organ, so he has to make sure that he doesn’t have any more.

He is growing up.  He is a young adult now. He takes most  things in stride.  I still wish that he could have an end to testing, injecting, carb counting, lows, highs and all of the rest.  Wishing doesn’t make it so. Feeling guilty doesn’t change allow us to change places.  This is just the way it is.   I will keep wishing for that day when I can say “that was the way it was.”

tired

4 thoughts on “I am dead tired…and feeling guilty”

  1. I know how you feel i been a type 1 diabetic for 37 years i am a diabetic advocate j just join the diabetes association trying to convince the government for better coverage for test strips insulin pump cause it such a burden the out of pocket cost to to say alive and stay away from complication that may come our way the government should pay for these tools because the cost of complication is going to cost millions more in the long run than free coverage of like i said test strips insulin pumps and CGM! WAKE UP , NDP, PC, LIBERAL who ever get in this April 19 2016 Don’t you care!! Nothing in their election promises regarding helping type 1 diabetics!!! So sad , if one of the leaders had diabetes they would know how difficult it can be living with this DISEASE!!! step up to the plate and do something now because later be to late!!!!

      1. THEY MIGHT LOOK NORMAL BUT SOME HAVE POOR CONTROL AND HAVE COMPLICATION JUST BECAUSE THE IMPACT IS SO LOW DOESN’T MEAN GOVERNMENT SHOULD LOOK THE OTHER WAY LIKE THEY DON’T CARE WE ARE STILL PEOPLE WITH A DISEASE WE HAVE RIGHTS TO THE BEST CARE AND TOOLS TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST, TYPE 1 DIABETES HAPPENS EVEN IF YOU LIVE A HEALTHY AND ACTIVE LIFE BUT TYPE 2 DIABETES IS SELF INFLECTED POOR DIET LACK OF EXCERCISE POOR LIFE CHOICE THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD TREAT ALL DIABETES THE SAME WAY! SHAME ON THEM FOR TREATING TYPE 1 AND TYPE 2 DIFFERENTLY

        1. Of course, public insurance treats t1d and t2d and gestational diabetes differently. Even young children are treated differently from adults. As one mother of a recently diagnosed t1d adolescent said, “Gee, you people only see the endo every 6 months.” Right! Maybe, that’s why my husband never got proper training for 25 years. Nobody realized he’d never been trained because he was diagnosed at 31.5 years of age. Or, maybe, people didn’t realize that some t1ds have no awareness that they are hypoglycemic right from the onset of type 1 diabetes. I wonder when that was realized. In any case, we didn’t learn even about mono-gel or insta-glucose until 18 years after diagnosis. We didn’t learn about glucagon kits until 20 years after diagnosis when my husband collapsed at a remote fishing camp. A disabled person will be treated differently from an able-bodied person. A mentally chalenged person will be trained differently from a person with good insurance and an able mind. When the ruthless healthcare workers say, “Self-monitoring of bg levels or running the pump by oneself”, I’m afraid that’s exactly what they mean. They won’t provide paid help as a matter of course.

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