Today’s prompt for Diabetes Blog Week asks what is that one thing that we are still clinging on to that we need to let go? What in our diabetes closet needs to be cleaned out?
Honestly, I was going to use a wildcard for this one. I thought it didn’t apply to me any longer. Diabetes does not live with my full time any more so what could I possibly need to junk out? We cleaned out most of my son’s diabetes supplies when he moved. Anything left here he needs when he visits. Obviously this was a topic that I was going to have to give a miss. Or maybe not….
There is something that I have been working on for…cough, cough, almost….two…cough…years. It is something that I need to let go of, clean out, sweep away. My challenge is to sweep away that need to know all and me hands on 100% of the time. It is now physically impossible and thinking otherwise is emotionally draining.
I have to adjust to the role of no longer being that person in charge. Learning my new role as the person standing in the office listening to what is going on in the trenches but removed from the actual events is a huge challenge.
I no longer have to wake up at various times during the night to test my son. That has its own guilt. I still wake up through the night out of habit but as time has gone on, I no longer wake in a panic wondering if he is okay and if he is testing.
I have gotten better at having him text me readings. Originally I wanted to know every reading. I would stay up to all hours just so that we could talk and he could tell me what his readings had been like. That didn’t work. He did his best to be busy when I wanted to call and talk. I had to get rid of that need to know. I had to learn that it was now truly his disease.
We still talk daily. I don’t know his readings from day to day. He calls me when he has a problem. We troubleshoot issues together. I still work on being okay with the fact that I don’t know his A1c. I still struggle with not being able to hook him up to the technology that I want him to use. Sweeping out the DMomma who is hands on and replacing her with the DMomma who is just there to help out when things get a little messy or he needs a break has truly been my biggest challenge.
As I have have been swept out of the trenches, I found myself struggling to understand my place on the sidelines. I worried that I had not prepared him enough. I worried that I would not matter any more. I worried that I would no longer have a role in that community of diabetes parents that had been my home for so many years.
Just like cleaning our house can give you a new perspective, cleaning out my role as a DMomma did as well. I have seen my son thrive on his own. I have seen him put to use what he has been taught and develop his own confidence. Standing back has allowed me a new role in the diabetes community and in my son’s life…and its not that bad!