I am dead tired…and feeling guilty

I am worn out, dragged out, dead tired…after just two nights.

I am out of practice.

I want a CGM.

I want a cure.

I feel guilty. I can’t wait to get my sleep back again.

My son came to visit for a few days.  It was the best Easter gift…having both of my boys here with my for Easter dinner! I was over the moon.

Diabetes had to tag along for the ride.  It could have stayed behind.  It played better than it has on some visits however.

I was pleasantly surprised when I got up to test my youngest son on the first night.  He was a perfect 5 (90).  I didn’t sleep. He was perfect. Exactly in range.  What was next? Would he rise? Would he go low? I didn’t sleep. I rested now and then. I checked.  He dropped a bit. Not enough to worry about. I tried to sleep. I worried.

The next night we had the opposite problem.  His cartridge had run low.  His blood glucose went up.  It didn’t go up as high as it had on previous visits.  He is even more fixated on his health and improving his control on his own.  He corrected. He had command of this.

Once again I awoke during the night. I went to his room and tested.  He was high still. He corrected.  I went back to bed.  I wondered if he would drop. I wondered if he would go higher.  I worried. I tried to sleep but I worried.

Tonight he will be in charge of his own care again.He will be the one to wake.  I will wake up just like I have for too many years.  I will wonder what his readings are but I will be able to  roll over and go back to sleep. I won’t be kept awake with a low. I won’t wonder which direction a high will take even with a correction. I will simply roll over and try to sleep…but I will feel guilty because I can just roll over.

I put in my time. I had 16 plus years of sleepless nights between babies and diabetes.  My son has had 16 years of diabetes too.He doesn’t get an end.  As I said, he has become very conscious of his health and his body.  He told me that he already has one faulty organ, so he has to make sure that he doesn’t have any more.

He is growing up.  He is a young adult now. He takes most  things in stride.  I still wish that he could have an end to testing, injecting, carb counting, lows, highs and all of the rest.  Wishing doesn’t make it so. Feeling guilty doesn’t change allow us to change places.  This is just the way it is.   I will keep wishing for that day when I can say “that was the way it was.”

tired